Maybe I should call it Wreck Brain

For those of you who don't know, I was in a serious car accident several years ago. I have lingering issues from the wreck that include a metal plate that holds my pelvis together, a knee that looks like Freddy Kruger got ahold of it, a messed up hip, scarred face, and internal nerve damage in the worst place of all...the base of my brain. It's weird how your body deals with damage. It was months after the wreck before we knew the nerve damage existed. One day I had a weird sensation, got a little light headed and then felt like I was going to topple over. After that, for about 10 months straight, I felt like I was losing my mind because I would get really weird sensations in my head like something was crawling around inside my skull. It was never ending for all of that time. It's a wonder I made it through and stayed sane, well relatively sane anyway. The neurologist who I saw told me that damaged nerves only heal at the rate of 1/4 of an inch a year. I guess that's why almost a year into the weirdness, it stopped being a constant thing. Never went completely away, but wasn't a 24 hour a day nightmare. Thank God it wasn't a worse case scenario. The dr. said he couldn't promise it would get any better. OR it could get some better but not heal fully.

I don't know if it's the fact that I am getting older or just a combination of everything I've endured over the past several years, but lately, the "bad head days", as I call the days when the nerve damage rears its ugly head, seem to be more and more often...and more severe. Sometimes it just affects my head and I feel like something is on the inside pushing against my skull to get out. It's not pain, just pressure. Along with that, I also feel like I am going to topple over. I don't, but it's weird walking around feeling like I am swaying when I am walking normally. Other times, it goes further down my body. All of the muscles from my ribs up (and sometimes it's my entire body) feel like they have contracted and I feel like I can't breathe. That sensation usually lasts from 1-3 hours or so and it leaves a massive head ache and muscle pain in its wake. Being tired and that time of the month both seem to exacerbate the problem. Sometimes it just creeps up on me and other times I get this weird buzzing in my head or a few seconds of vertigo and that triggers it.

And yet...I keep going. Most people have no clue of the extent of what I go through most days. It's not something you can tell just by looking at me. I guess you would call it one of those silent sicknesses you always see or hear people talking about. "But you don't look sick." Walk an hour or two in my shoes and see how you like trying to keep functioning while you feel like you are going to hit the floor at any moment. Amazingly...I never have. I might have to grab onto a desk or something for just a second if I am standing when it hits, but I've managed to stay on my feet.

I refuse to fall. I am not yet 40, and I am not willing to let the affliction win and to shut myself away inside my house all day long while the world and my life goes spinning by. So I will keep living. Keep moving. Keep walking. Keep standing. And I will not hit the floor.